to love rachel.. a dangerous time to love..

over two years after i met her.. it still puzzles me how i could not find someone as captivating as rachel could be.. and how i could never find someone with a more pleasing personality.. of course it’s a pleasant surprise when rachel and i first met, when she tried to sound like a guy and the first thing she did was raise her hand and ask for a high five when what i was expecting was a handshake from a girl.. don’t get me wrong though.. i had two girlfriends whom i could compare after i first fell in love with rachel.. and both of them are the same height as rachel, which is 4’11”.. and their faces are quite similar in one way or another.. but each beautiful in their own right.. somehow, that could be the reason why i remember them all when i remember one of them.. but they have very different identities.. i had aizady who’s definitely more beautiful than her and just as, if not more, pleasing as she is.. that’s before i realized a certain dilemma that she’s all for the money and she left me.. then i had gretz who’s really into me and i was really into her.. but when she openly showed her displeasure to me, things changed.. although i made a lot of mistakes, that’s when i realized we were not meant for each other because of our contradicting personalities..

of course, rachel was never my girlfriend.. i only developed a strong liking towards her.. and my attachment towards her later turned into love.. because true beauty has only one image and that is what i found in rachel.. and for some damnable reason i only found it once before and only once this time.. if i have a sin it is that i immediately seek out true beauty.. i look at each and every person that i have the possibility of liking.. and when i found what i was looking for, i would look at that person as often as i could and develop an affection.. it is the same feeling i have right now with chelsey.. although i’m not in love with her, i feel a strong affection towards her.. it is a strong force that pulls my emotions closer to her, a powerful need that tempts me to notice her.. it is a feeling that somehow, if we could only have the chance to know each other, we could be right for each other..

unfortunately enough, rachel came at the time of my life when i was in high school.. i had a lot of problems back then.. i was having health problems.. and there was one time when i felt like i could die because my heart was beating so fast it wouldn’t stop and i had trouble breathing.. and i woke up the next morning feeling like there’s a hole inside my chest.. true enough, there was a hole in my heart when the doctor checked.. and that was at least four months before my parents finally brought me to the hospital.. that’s when i realized that parents are the first ones to deny the facts and pretend everything’s ok.. the doctor said that it was probably due to overexertion or too much physical activity.. that was probably true, but i know certain facts about myself better than anyone else.. i know that i could barely sleep trying to get good grades while playing basketball and working out as much as i can.. and the fact that i didn’t eat as much as i need because of lack of food.. although i admit that i did a lot of physical exertion sometimes to the extreme, i still feel that it was the lack of sleep and lack of food that put a hole in my heart.. and not only was i having health problems.. i was having trouble just going out, just partying at night, or just enjoying some time with my friends.. and i felt horrified when rachel and i were supposed to go to gateway mall at one time but it didn’t happen because she said that i said maybe to her so she thought i wasn’t really going out with her.. i really felt bad because my parents were planning something on that day, so i said i wasn’t sure and i’ll just let her know if i could go.. that’s also the time when i realized girls hate it when they ask and you’re not sure if you could commit.. and at that time, i should’ve said i would go with her even if i wasn’t sure i would.. so a lot of times i was depressed because i couldn’t see her.. it was really a bad time to fall in love with a very special person, much worse to fall in love for the first time..

and if the first time i saw rachel was a blast and something i could never forget.. the second time was a mix of happiness, sadness, and hurt.. if i remember correctly, it was january of 2007.. we were about to meet at her school, saint socha high school, because there’s a concert they’re hosting.. it was a rock concert and there were a lot of bands playing.. and the saint socha students were also going to perform.. i was already calling and messaging her.. the story there was that i had to ask her number from her because my friend wouldn’t give it to me.. so anyway i added her friendster account, at that time it wasn’t facebook, and i asked her number there.. when i looked at her photos she was kinda’ slim.. i already had an impression of her if when i see her in civilian clothes.. so i thought she would be skinny.. the reason i was looking forward to see her on that day was that she promised me she’ll give me a gift on that day.. so i was so excited because no girl ever told me that before, much more a girl i only met once.. and she was going to give me a gift.. so i prepared for that day and arranged a pleasant surprise.. i bought her gifts too.. it was not much, a pink cap that says daddy’s girl, a pink shirt from penshoppe, and some other stuff.. so when i arrived at saint socha with my friends, i was very excited and anxious at the same time.. i had one thing in mind, call her and meet her as soon as possible.. so that late afternoon turned to early evening.. and finally rachel and her group went to stage to dance.. i was mesmerized by her.. my eyes were always trying to follow her.. and sometimes it’s confusing because it’s only my second time seeing her.. so when they were done i immediately messaged her ‘cause i wanted to give her my gifts and was thrilled to see what she has for me.. but unfortunately, she wasn’t answering for reasons i do not know.. and i don’t know if she was testing my guts because i kinda’ saw her near me, but i wasn’t sure.. so i waited for her reply.. but it wasn’t until the end of the event, when everybody was going home, that we met.. she was so beautiful that night.. i was stunned and it took me a while to say anything at all when we met.. she was wearing a white shirt, and jeans.. she had some makeup on.. so i was staring at her face for a long time.. and the second thing i noticed was that she wasn’t slim, she was toned.. contrary to what i thought, her breasts were not flat and her figure is what us guys call the figure eight.. that's what we assume to be perfect.. she had a very beautiful body, although she often tells me she drinks a normal five glasses of beer while partying.. one moment i was sad and hurt.. the next i was happy.. but it didn’t erase my emotions.. it actually jumbled it up.. i don’t know how i should feel that night.. so she said she’s sorry for not attending to me like she should.. i told her it was ok and that i have something for her.. and i gave her my gifts.. she appeared shocked and she told me she forgot about it because she was really practicing hard for the dance competition.. i told her it was ok.. but she could really tell that i was affected by what she did.. so she kept on saying sorry to me.. so i told her it’s ok i’ll just walk her to her car.. when i touched her shoulder, it was like lightning shock.. she was so soft my fingers were like touching a very soft pillow, my fingers were sinking in even though i was just touching her.. so i walked her and her friend to the parking lot.. and i said goodbye to her.. and i went to my own car.. that night, tears were threatening to come out.. and at that time i was still in denial about myself.. i tried to pretend that i was strong.. what i didn’t realize that night was that i was strong until i loved someone.. because the ones who could hurt me the most are the ones i love the most..

rachel kept on sending me messages that night.. asking for forgiveness.. i kept on telling her it was ok.. and i told her to sleep.. only now do i realize that it wasn’t.. i was hurt, the cut was deep.. i was too sensitive, i didn’t want to admit it.. and it was never the same after that.. but i always love her.. and that was the problem even though my mind was saying no.. i would still see her four more times.. and she still gave me her gift in one of those days, a dark faded red shirt.. but my mind has already given up even though my heart never will.. the last time i saw her was at her school.. it was like their graduation ball.. and i saw her in a blazing red tube dress.. that must be the last time.. unless she was the one i saw wearing a black shirt at sm center point mall.. otherwise, i’m just hallucinating.. as she was on my mind and in my dreams for a long eight months.. i had wished that she was the one for me.. i had wanted her to be my first, and my only one.. but she would always be the first..

i will continue my story on the next month..