euphoria, my feelings .. -raphchea ..

euphoria.. that’s what i felt when i saw you for the first time..

it stayed with me from the moment you first spoke to the moment you parted with me that night..

to the moment you entered my mind, until the moment you left it..

oh euphoria.. why do you have to be so beautiful??

you give me this feeling of rapture, of excitement..

and my heart would beat a thousand times harder..

and my mind would cease to think..

and i would only rejoice in your presence..

i’m attached to you.. no, i’m already hooked..

‘cause you only and always show up late..

and always just for a little while, you have given me no time..

but time, just long enough to stare at your face and count..

and now that i’m in love with you..

my heart demands to see you more..

yet why?? oh why, euphoria??

why do you continue to stay the same??

for it is my wish to forever change you..

‘cause i could always see your luminous eyes..

or your fair skin, your seductive body in a petite frame..

or your luscious lips, your beautiful face and smooth hair..

but i’m the only one who sees your true emotions..

‘cause behind that mask of happiness is sadness..

behind that eagerness for life is a girl who really wants to cry..

and behind your facade of strength is a feeling of weakness desperate to come out..

you might be wondering why i’m telling you this now..

the reason is i fear i might not have a chance of ever telling you how i feel..

given that you always come and go indefinitely in short periods of time..

and just so you know that if ever you are in need i’m just here..

you once said you never wanted anyone to see you sad..

but i always wanted you to just show me how you really feel no matter what..

so i’m just going to say this now, before anything else..

i will always love you, my first love, euphoria..

i will compose another poem for the next month..

to love rachel.. a dangerous time to love..

over two years after i met her.. it still puzzles me how i could not find someone as captivating as rachel could be.. and how i could never find someone with a more pleasing personality.. of course it’s a pleasant surprise when rachel and i first met, when she tried to sound like a guy and the first thing she did was raise her hand and ask for a high five when what i was expecting was a handshake from a girl.. don’t get me wrong though.. i had two girlfriends whom i could compare after i first fell in love with rachel.. and both of them are the same height as rachel, which is 4’11”.. and their faces are quite similar in one way or another.. but each beautiful in their own right.. somehow, that could be the reason why i remember them all when i remember one of them.. but they have very different identities.. i had aizady who’s definitely more beautiful than her and just as, if not more, pleasing as she is.. that’s before i realized a certain dilemma that she’s all for the money and she left me.. then i had gretz who’s really into me and i was really into her.. but when she openly showed her displeasure to me, things changed.. although i made a lot of mistakes, that’s when i realized we were not meant for each other because of our contradicting personalities..

of course, rachel was never my girlfriend.. i only developed a strong liking towards her.. and my attachment towards her later turned into love.. because true beauty has only one image and that is what i found in rachel.. and for some damnable reason i only found it once before and only once this time.. if i have a sin it is that i immediately seek out true beauty.. i look at each and every person that i have the possibility of liking.. and when i found what i was looking for, i would look at that person as often as i could and develop an affection.. it is the same feeling i have right now with chelsey.. although i’m not in love with her, i feel a strong affection towards her.. it is a strong force that pulls my emotions closer to her, a powerful need that tempts me to notice her.. it is a feeling that somehow, if we could only have the chance to know each other, we could be right for each other..

unfortunately enough, rachel came at the time of my life when i was in high school.. i had a lot of problems back then.. i was having health problems.. and there was one time when i felt like i could die because my heart was beating so fast it wouldn’t stop and i had trouble breathing.. and i woke up the next morning feeling like there’s a hole inside my chest.. true enough, there was a hole in my heart when the doctor checked.. and that was at least four months before my parents finally brought me to the hospital.. that’s when i realized that parents are the first ones to deny the facts and pretend everything’s ok.. the doctor said that it was probably due to overexertion or too much physical activity.. that was probably true, but i know certain facts about myself better than anyone else.. i know that i could barely sleep trying to get good grades while playing basketball and working out as much as i can.. and the fact that i didn’t eat as much as i need because of lack of food.. although i admit that i did a lot of physical exertion sometimes to the extreme, i still feel that it was the lack of sleep and lack of food that put a hole in my heart.. and not only was i having health problems.. i was having trouble just going out, just partying at night, or just enjoying some time with my friends.. and i felt horrified when rachel and i were supposed to go to gateway mall at one time but it didn’t happen because she said that i said maybe to her so she thought i wasn’t really going out with her.. i really felt bad because my parents were planning something on that day, so i said i wasn’t sure and i’ll just let her know if i could go.. that’s also the time when i realized girls hate it when they ask and you’re not sure if you could commit.. and at that time, i should’ve said i would go with her even if i wasn’t sure i would.. so a lot of times i was depressed because i couldn’t see her.. it was really a bad time to fall in love with a very special person, much worse to fall in love for the first time..

and if the first time i saw rachel was a blast and something i could never forget.. the second time was a mix of happiness, sadness, and hurt.. if i remember correctly, it was january of 2007.. we were about to meet at her school, saint socha high school, because there’s a concert they’re hosting.. it was a rock concert and there were a lot of bands playing.. and the saint socha students were also going to perform.. i was already calling and messaging her.. the story there was that i had to ask her number from her because my friend wouldn’t give it to me.. so anyway i added her friendster account, at that time it wasn’t facebook, and i asked her number there.. when i looked at her photos she was kinda’ slim.. i already had an impression of her if when i see her in civilian clothes.. so i thought she would be skinny.. the reason i was looking forward to see her on that day was that she promised me she’ll give me a gift on that day.. so i was so excited because no girl ever told me that before, much more a girl i only met once.. and she was going to give me a gift.. so i prepared for that day and arranged a pleasant surprise.. i bought her gifts too.. it was not much, a pink cap that says daddy’s girl, a pink shirt from penshoppe, and some other stuff.. so when i arrived at saint socha with my friends, i was very excited and anxious at the same time.. i had one thing in mind, call her and meet her as soon as possible.. so that late afternoon turned to early evening.. and finally rachel and her group went to stage to dance.. i was mesmerized by her.. my eyes were always trying to follow her.. and sometimes it’s confusing because it’s only my second time seeing her.. so when they were done i immediately messaged her ‘cause i wanted to give her my gifts and was thrilled to see what she has for me.. but unfortunately, she wasn’t answering for reasons i do not know.. and i don’t know if she was testing my guts because i kinda’ saw her near me, but i wasn’t sure.. so i waited for her reply.. but it wasn’t until the end of the event, when everybody was going home, that we met.. she was so beautiful that night.. i was stunned and it took me a while to say anything at all when we met.. she was wearing a white shirt, and jeans.. she had some makeup on.. so i was staring at her face for a long time.. and the second thing i noticed was that she wasn’t slim, she was toned.. contrary to what i thought, her breasts were not flat and her figure is what us guys call the figure eight.. that's what we assume to be perfect.. she had a very beautiful body, although she often tells me she drinks a normal five glasses of beer while partying.. one moment i was sad and hurt.. the next i was happy.. but it didn’t erase my emotions.. it actually jumbled it up.. i don’t know how i should feel that night.. so she said she’s sorry for not attending to me like she should.. i told her it was ok and that i have something for her.. and i gave her my gifts.. she appeared shocked and she told me she forgot about it because she was really practicing hard for the dance competition.. i told her it was ok.. but she could really tell that i was affected by what she did.. so she kept on saying sorry to me.. so i told her it’s ok i’ll just walk her to her car.. when i touched her shoulder, it was like lightning shock.. she was so soft my fingers were like touching a very soft pillow, my fingers were sinking in even though i was just touching her.. so i walked her and her friend to the parking lot.. and i said goodbye to her.. and i went to my own car.. that night, tears were threatening to come out.. and at that time i was still in denial about myself.. i tried to pretend that i was strong.. what i didn’t realize that night was that i was strong until i loved someone.. because the ones who could hurt me the most are the ones i love the most..

rachel kept on sending me messages that night.. asking for forgiveness.. i kept on telling her it was ok.. and i told her to sleep.. only now do i realize that it wasn’t.. i was hurt, the cut was deep.. i was too sensitive, i didn’t want to admit it.. and it was never the same after that.. but i always love her.. and that was the problem even though my mind was saying no.. i would still see her four more times.. and she still gave me her gift in one of those days, a dark faded red shirt.. but my mind has already given up even though my heart never will.. the last time i saw her was at her school.. it was like their graduation ball.. and i saw her in a blazing red tube dress.. that must be the last time.. unless she was the one i saw wearing a black shirt at sm center point mall.. otherwise, i’m just hallucinating.. as she was on my mind and in my dreams for a long eight months.. i had wished that she was the one for me.. i had wanted her to be my first, and my only one.. but she would always be the first..

i will continue my story on the next month..

the little things you are .. -raphchea ..

i get distracted by the little things you do..

those little things that don't seem to matter to you..

like the way your eyes shine when you have s'thing to prove..

don't you realize how attractive your lips move..

so how, i have lost my way to imperception..

taking no attention to love's premonition..

so how, i only noticed your delicate hands..

moving the air, touching your beautiful hair strands..

i noticed the way you tilt your head to the side..

the way you smiled and turned your back as if to hide..

i noticed the way your voice seduced the night air..

the way your black dress meld with your skin shone so fair..

it's in the way you raised your shoulder, touched your hip..

the way your mouth sought the same red, and bit your lip..

it's in the way you closed your eyes, suppressed a moan..

the way you unleashed your desires when we're alone..

how i love the way you tease when you cup your breasts..

when you lay down soft and your head falls down and rests..

how i love the way you embrace me in darkness..

when you cradle and when you kiss without duress..

it's in the way you whisper words touched deep to pray..

the way you forgive, cherish love, and change the day..

it's in the way you turn every game into dare..

the way you convince me for all the love, you care..

it's the way your eyes always seem to emit love..

the lie that you have the innocence of a dove..

it's the way your face always seem to be so kind..

the unusual truth you carry but cannot find..

yes, i'm distracted by the great things that you are..

i believed, before, i can never go that far..

now, i'm distracted by the great things that you are..

so would you believe how attractive your lips are??

i will compose another poem for the next month..

the story.. my story begins.. and when i fell in love with rachel..

back in the year 2006, i have met a girl named rachel and i fell in love with her.. you might be thinking why is she important to me.. but i will tell you this.. she is important to me because she is the first girl i ever met and because she is the first girl i ever fell in love with.. but she's not really the first girl i ever met.. she's only the first girl to give me that certain impression, that certain personality which captivated my eye.. people say that your first love is the one you'd never forget.. but i always remember all those i have loved sincerely and true.. and those are other stories i would tell later, so i would tell you this one first.. love is a game and freedom is love's purpose.. get lost in love and you'll never find your purpose.. find freedom, you'll end the game.. end the game and bask in euphoria.. the game ends where everything starts.. that is my belief after everything i've learned..

many things happened for me back in the year 2006, i was just entering my fourth year in high school in june.. i haven't met rachel yet, and love was a word reserved for basketball.. for my life revolved around this game.. i started playing with a basketball when i was about eight years old, that was back in the year 1997.. and i never really enjoyed playing basketball until i was in grade six or grade seven, that was in the year 2001 or year 2002.. that's when i started playing for the thrill of every game.. i remember how excited i was during every physical education class in the hopes of being able to play basketball during the class.. and often times, it's a bad thing that we couldn't play.. and i also remember how thrilled i was after a whole day of school to play basketball with my friends or with anyone who's in the court until the sun sets and we couldn't play anymore.. but i wasn't a varsity player in high school and i had no intention to become one.. i never tried to earn a spot in our basketball team, but i was happy to be playing just the same.. because in my opinion, if i get accepted in the team, i would become too full of myself.. and in fact, i think it feels better just learning basketball by yourself without any coach to help you or direct you.. not to mention, it was just natural for me to learn the crossover without any help from anybody.. i just watch other players how they do it and i would easily pick it up.. i guess, i just didn't knew, i had a gift for having sick handles.. back then, a lot of my friends kept asking me how i learned to do crossover like that or how i did that crossover.. but in my mind, i just learned that while watching tv and mimicking certain moves from other players.. but basketball isn't just a game for me.. it's also my sanctuary, and i find solace, i find freedom in playing that wonderful game.. and as early as that, my desire for freedom is already exposed.. but i just didn't know it back then.. whenever there are restrictions to my freedom as a person, as a human being, i wouldn't be feeling good.. i was decisive and i knew what i wanted, what i needed.. and there are times when i couldn't get what i want and essentially what i need.. but all i really wanted back then was to be happy and to enjoy it with my friends.. and i know for a fact that i couldn't have everything..

so my plan was to graduate from high school first, then find a girlfriend in college later.. i thought i could still hold my desire to find love until i go to college.. but no one could resist that kind of temptation, that kind of longing after suppressing yourself for so long.. and specially when i thought i found someone special.. love is very addictive to me.. i just get a simple hit and it tempts me to go for everthing and more.. such was my case with rachel..

i was studying at saint clare high school.. rachel was studying at saint socha high school.. i changed the names of our schools just so nobody else would know.. but if you really know me, the names are too obvious that you'll know right away.. so i just hope that you please keep it a secret because i kept our real names.. rachel and i were both graduating students on our last years in high school.. it so happened that saint clare and saint socha arranged an interaction between the students of both schools.. saint clare was an all boys school.. saint socha was all girls.. so i guess it was only fitting.. so, if i remember correctly, our interaction took part in november and our class met with theirs.. what i do remember clearly was while all of my classmates were admiring necy, i was the only one looking at rachel.. but i didn't fell in love with her at the first time i saw her.. it was more of intrigue, pure intigue because of the way she spoke at that time.. a sweet, cute english accent.. she was the only girl who spoke that well and that confident in english.. and because of her height, she was 4'11" and because her skin was so fair compared to others.. and because her face seems different among others.. she has a very attractive, foxy, and cute face which is probably because she's beautiful and she has the height of a child.. but my purest intrigue was her personality.. i was very attracted by the way she handles herself.. she had that carefree persona.. she's highly likable.. and she acted like she was a lesbian, although i was really sure she wasn't.. and it was only now that i realize that there are many ways that a girl knows to break the ice.. and one way is to pretend what she clearly wasn't.. or if this is really how she is with other people, then i don't know what to think.. all i know back then was that i was attached to her.. but thinking back from now, i truthfully accept that i wasn't attached.. i was hooked, unknowingly, to her.. as they say about addiction, you never know that you are until after you have become..

i will continue my story on the next month..